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The View From the Outside Looking In
A. General Ministry Guidelines
1. Educate yourself by reading a book or attending a workshop on grief.
2. Take the time to listen to someone who has been through the grief process.
3. Develop a support group to help
new widows. Leaders of the group should be educated in the grief process and be capable of talking knowledgeably about the nuts and bolts of widowhood (taxes, finances, children, etc.).
4.
Provide referrals to trusted, qualified professionals who are educated about the grief process.
5. Be aware that divorce is different than widowhood. Women who have lost their husbands
through death generally do not have to deal with feelings of rejection. They are more likely to feel anger than bitterness and are more likely to achieve a sense of closure. For purposes of ministry,
it is strongly recommended that individuals who have experienced separation by death not be lumped together with those who have experienced separation by divorce.
B. What to Say and Do
Things to say:
o I'm here.
o I care.
o I'm praying for you. Is there anything I can do to pray more effectively?
" Note: Most widows agreed that they did
not remember people's specific comments to them immediately after their bereavement. They only remembered who came to be with them. One participant told of complaining about the absence of a
significant friend only to be told that he had been there the entire morning after her husband's death.
Things NOT to say:
o You shouldn't feel that way.
o Your faith is strong; that's all you need.
o I know what you're going through.
o Death is kinder than divorce.
o You've got to be strong for the children.
Things NOT to do:
o Look for comfort from a grieving widow.
o Quote Scripture to a person in grief. In times of intense grief, this may bring guilt rather than comfort.
C. Personal Assistance
o Offer to act as chauffeur. Help keep the newly widowed person off the road.
" Note: Ninety percent of widows and widowers have a fairly serious accident within the first six
months of bereavement. "When I first heard this, I didn't believe it, but I thought of it later when I sailed through two redlights."
o Supply food on a regular basis.
o Provide paper plates and cups.
o Provide telephone coverage.
o Help with thank you's. (One woman was given a shoe box indexed for food, memorial gifts, etc.)
o Offer to take the kids out to give their mother time alone.
o Volunteer to run errands, such as clothes to the cleaners, children's hair cuts and grocery shopping.
o
Provide help for chores a husband might do, such as handing Christmas lights, putting up shutters for a hurricane, etc.
o Don't limit your social contact to times that your husband is out
of town. Include widows in your social activities as couples. Remember, it is important for widows to continue having contact with men in safe situations.
o Send cards and notes.
o Provide personal help, like reading to sleep, massages, back rubs, etc.
D. Helping Children
o Don't create pressure on the oldest son to be "the man of the house."
"I was surprised how many people took my son aside and told him that he was now the man of the
house. He took it seriously, and when he tried to be a father to his four sisters, it didn't go over very well. It was a year later before he told me about it and asked, 'Am I?' I told him, 'You are
not my husband; you are my son.' Widows probably need to assume that their oldest children will get this kind of advice and they need to step in to counteract it."
o Many children
will automatically assume guilt for the death of their parent. They need to be helped to understand that there is no fault or guilt on their part.
o Children who have lost one parent often
develop an exaggerated fear of losing the other. They need to be able to express these fears and be reassured that you will be there for them.
o Create an atmosphere to encourage healthy grief and expressions of sorrow.
o Don't pretend the death didn't happen. Help kids learn to talk about it and discuss it openly. At the
same time, be wary of overexplaining. Sometimes all a child needs is acknowledgment of his or her pain: "It really hurts, doesn't it."
o Give children one-to-one attention.
o Impress upon men and godparents their obligation to "father the fatherless."
E. Guidelines for Churches
1. Don't ask, "How can I encourage you?" Just do it! One of the questions widows ask most frequently is, "Does anybody know? Does anybody care?"
2. Don't sit back and wait
for widows to express their needs. "Call me if you need anything" is not helpful. Instead, take the initiative in developing a plan of help, particularly in areas like business, finances
and guidance for children.
3. Be aware that widows need to be hugged and physically comforted. They also need affirmation from people who are aware of the job they are doing. "Even when you
know you're doing a good job, it helps to have someone say it."
4. Do a gifts assessment in the church and seek out those who are gifted and willing to participate in grief ministry.
5. Educate church workers, friends, and helpers about grief.
6. Create a library of books on grief. Be aware that there are a lot of books written by misinformed people.
7. Don't isolate
widows to a "widows only" environment. Don't shuffle them off into a singles' group. Normally widows should stay in their couples' Sunday School class; there are enough adjustments to make
without having to find a whole new set of friends.
8. Organize a support group. It may be necessary for a widow to be the organizer here, but don't expect that just because a woman has been
widowed that she has the calling and gifts to begin such a group.
9. Express a desire for the widow's involvement when she is ready. Many widows lose all interest in participating in ministry,
teaching, etc., but they also do not want to feel "put on a shelf." Note: The newly bereaved should not be encouraged to throw themselves into church and social activities. Rather, they
should be helped as much as possible to find the time and space for the hard work of grieving.
10. Be aware of the ongoing grief of widows and widowers who are remarried.
11. Give sermons and
messages on the topics of grief and loss. Address the hard issues, such as the sense of abandonment by God, the crises of faith, etc. It is important that speakers on grief know what they are talking
about from their own experience or because they have taken the time to "run along side" someone who has experienced a deep loss.
12. Encourage widows not to make major decisions (moves,
job changes, etc.) within the first year or two of bereavement.
F. Guidelines for Professionals
1. Become educated about the grief process.
2. Don't be patronizing or condescending. Respect the widow's ability and willingness to learn. Often she is entering completely new territory, but
her ignorance should not be equated with a lack of intelligence or ability to understand.
3. Be aware of the widow's need to be encouraged and affirmed.
4. Be patient and keep explanations as
simple as possible. Remember, especially in the early stages of grief, widows may still be in shock. Even many months later they may have trouble focusing on explanations. Be willing to repeat
yourself and make certain you are being understood.
5. Help widows educate themselves. Direct them to a good course on financial management and recommend or give periodicals and journals.
6. Be willing to take the initiative to make contact.
7. Be willing to share responsibility with other advisors. Be a team player, and make certain that there is clear communication between all
members of the team.
Note: Professionals often tend to be task oriented, while widows themselves may be relationally oriented.
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