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The View From the Inside Looking Out
A. Stages
Everyone experiences grief differently and there are no clear-cut timetables for working through the stages of grief. One person may be in shock for two months, another
for 12 months. There is no single yardstick or timetable for measuring the process or progress of an individual's grief.
Although there are often distinct stages to grief, few people move "cleanly" from one stage to the other. Most women revisit different stages periodically. For many women, the first year is dedicated to survival, and it is not until the second year that they begin to deal with their loss. On average, a minimum of two and a half years is necessary to begin to feel "normal" again.
The needs of widowed women vary from individual to individual, but generally include:
o Time to grieve. Finding this time is made more difficult by volumes of paperwork and the doubling of responsibilities.
o Friends and professionals who will be
non-judgmental about the quality and time period of grieving.
B. Identity and Self-Confidence
1.
Most widows experience an initial crisis of identity and a sudden loss of status socially, professionally and within the church. They are forced to ask the question, "Who am I without my husband?" "I was a homemaker and suddenly my window to the world was gone. I felt I didn't have credibility with anyone except my husband, and I had lost my only identity."
2. Many widows feel abandoned by couple friends and sense that married women are threatened by their presence at social events.
3. Perks from business associates and friends may disappear.
"The flowers stopped coming. I knew all along it was his favor that they were currying, but it still hurt when the gifts stopped coming."
4.
Widows are forced to decide whose giving choices to honor. Do they follow their husband's choices or choose a new path for themselves? Or do both? It takes time for women to realize that making their own giving choices is not disloyalty. "I finally realized my husband is not here, and it is not his life any longer. This made it possible for the Lord to lay something new on my heart."
C. Feelings That Are Normal
o Shock and disbelief; difficulty in accepting that one's loved one is not returning.
o Regrets; preoccupation with not having been able to say goodby and with thoughts and
feelings left unexpressed to loved one.
o Loneliness: "One plus one is so much more than two."
o Fear of the future.
o Inability to think or focus;
forgetfulness; short-term memory loss; inability to think through issues.
o Feelings of immobilization and bewilderment; being overwhelmed.
o Feelings of inadequacy when dealing
with lawyers, insurance agents, and financial advisors. "Some professionals try to show us how intelligent they are by putting us down."
o Feeling overwhelmed by paper work.
o Fear of being a single parent.
o Suicidal feelings; loss of a sense of the worth of life. "I tried to figure out how I could get out of life without making God mad."
o No time for grieving.
o Loss of privacy.
o Feeling judged in one's personal grieving process, particularly by those who have not experienced grief themselves.
o
Difficulty in accepting the reality of one's loss. "After 21 years of widowhood, there are times when, at 5:30 p.m., I still look up and expect to see my husband walk in the door."
D. Needs From Others
o Assistance from professionals who understand the grief process and are clear and patient in their explanations without being condescending.
o Reassurance that one is not
alone, that the disorientation and depression that comes with grief will not last forever.
o Support from a network of friends, family, and professionals.
o Trust and respect for
one's feelings and intuitions, particularly when dealing with men who may be operating from a more logical mode.
o Acceptance of the length and severity of the grief process. Many
widows are surprised at how long it takes them to enter a "recovery" stage.
E. Learning to Cope
o Exercise in order to stay physically fit and to sleep.
Note: The hospitalization rate for the recently bereaved is 600 times that of other people. Studies also show that
grief substantially weakens the immune system.
o Interact with friends such as having them over for dinner.
o Verbalize your needs. People want to know what they are and
want to help.
o Avoid using alcohol and drugs.
o Avoid using men as a diversion.
o Educate yourself in law and finance from a variety of sources
o Determine your financial position.*
While it is strongly urged that widows avoid making any lifestyle changes or investment decisions for two years, it is necessary to asses the
available resources.
-Locate and file claims on all insurance policies including those from a union, a fraternal organization, military or credit life insurance.
-Keep a record of your monthly expenses.
-Invest insurance money in certificates of deposit (CD's) or money market funds so that you will be able to access it periodically during the first two years.
-Review all medical
insurance policies, creditors, and taxes and make appropriate changes.
-List all assets, income, and debts; list life insurance covering yourself.
-Begin thinking about and listing
long-term, major needs such as college education, life-style needs, debt payoff, and giving.
o Select your own financial and legal advisors: **
-Pray for wisdom; He gives liberaly and without reproach. James 1:5. Ask for discernment. Hebrews 5:14.
-Seek referrals from friends, insurance agents, bankers, and other
professionals themselves such as a CPA, lawyer or pastor.
-Personally contact them.
" First by phone. Leave a message that you are interested in talking to them about helping you. If
they do not return your call in 1 1/2 days, go on to the next person on your list. Mention who referred you. Ask questions like the following:
…Would you be interested in ....
…Do you have experience in ....
…Will you charge for our initial consultation?
If so, how much?
If you feel good about your conversation, set up an appointment for a personal interview.
" Personal interview. Consider these factors: How is the reception area kept? What is the attitude of the staff? How long are you kept waiting? What is the demeanor of the advisor?
Ask the following questions:
…What can you do for me?
…How much will you charge to do it?
…How do you bill? It could be hourly, a flat fee or a contingent fee. With hourly charges, you
need to know if you will be billed monthly and if there is a retainer.
…How many hours do you estimate that the work will take?
…When will the work be done? Deadlines are wonderful.
…Identify decisions which will need prior authorization.
…Ask every question; there are NO stupid questions.
" Confirm your meeting in writing with the following letter:
Date
Advisor's Name and Address
Dear Name of Advisor:
I enjoyed meeting with you and look forward to working with you as you ....
This letter is to confirm the
arrangements that we made in our meeting. For a total fee of____ (if flat fee) or on an hourly rate of ____ with a maximum of ____ (if hourly) or a contingent fee of ____ (if a contingent fee),
you are going to prepare ____(documents). I will meet with you in your office to review and sign ____(documents) on ____ (date).
If this is not your understanding, please get back to me
as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
- Keep your professionals accountable; do not be intimidated by them-you are the client! If you are well prepared with your asset lists and other
pertinent documents, your advisor will know you are serious about your task. In addition, your advisor's time can be more efficiently spent.
* Adapted from the book A Woman's Guide to Financial Peace of Mind published by Focus on the Family. Copyright (c) 1991 by Ron and Judy Blue. All rights reserved. International copyright
secured. Used by permission of Focus on the Family.
**Mary Lynn Kirby, Atlanta Attorney
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