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"Honor your father and mother-which is the first commandment with a promise."(Ephesians 6:2) What promise, thought Anna Marie -- promise of an emotional breakdown? Didn't the
AMA do a study that proved the premature death of caregivers? Whoa, where is this coming from? This is not God's heart, but her own heart was so heavy and her body so tired.
Do you know any Anna Maries? Are you one perhaps?
Royal Treasure is about the giving of treasure, time, and talent. Many of the women who share the fellowship of this work share the experience of giving care. Numbered among us are
lots of rock and roll women…..women who are rocking grandchildren and rolling parents! What is the impact of this time in our lives? How does it enhance or impede our joyful stewardship?
Let's explore the path.
Caregiving is not Caretaking
The role of the caregiver is similar to the tightrope walker. There is a line of success with nothing but air to either side. How often we hear caregivers talking about being a daughter
(since most caregiving is done by women) and yet assuming parent-like duties. The parent struggles with the loss of ability, freedom and dignity; the child struggles to avoid controlling
behaviors.
Role exchange requires clearly defined boundaries and balance. Caregiving is effective facilitation; caretaking is inappropriate assumption of responsibility. Caretaking leads to hostility, frustration and anger; caregiving operates in freedom. Caretaking is solely task oriented while caregiving flows from a heart of love. How easy it is to make sure the Depends are on the shelf and the meds are taken on time. How much more difficult to serve with a cherishing attitude. We are challenged to "guard our hearts" and no greater need for this admonition exists than in this arena.
Caregiving Has A Measurable Impact
Marketplace women can see a significant result from the decision to slow down or stop their careers. As mentioned, the majority of caregivers are females. Often their career development was
slower due to child care issues earlier and job advancement was slower than their male counterparts. This created less pension funds, lower social security benefits and fewer community
leadership opportunities. When women choose to set their careers aside the impact is even greater. A woman who becomes a non-revenue producing caregiver in the five years prior to normal
retirement seriously jeopardizes her social security and pension benefits.
Devoting time to caregiving requires family choices. The Supermom myth was disproved years ago. Women learned that they couldn't have it all. Women can't be all things to all people in equal
proportion and still stay sane. Unfortunately, many caregivers develop an "I surrender all" mentality that shuts out social networks, Christian fellowship and breaks. The potential
personal damage is substantial. Serious decisions must be made which involve the participation of the entire family.
Caregiving is Real World
The joy of seeing a godly family progress; the encouragement of children and grandchildren through "golden years;" the thrill of welcoming great grandchildren; the freedom to travel,
learn and share lifetime wisdom -all of these are the blessings of a long and fruitful life. Praise God for these experiences! But there are hospitalizations, mental deteriorations, broken
hips and long, painful illnesses, as well. The newest list to make is "elder-cool." Madison Avenue has sold us on a youth culture from womb to tomb! Modern Maturity magazine flaunts
the gray-haired wonders without noticing the realities of failing health.
Caregivers comment that their family members often express that they never expected to be old and sick. The imprisonment of strong spirits in weak bodies is trying and difficult. Caregivers must be prepared to handle the marathon with the strength of the Lord.
Caregiving is not a solo act
Traditionally, caregivers appear hardwired to do the job. They are conscientious, compassionate and responsible. How many of you does that describe? Moreover, caregivers fail to ask for
help. "Other family members have a right to care for their loved ones, too," asserts Constance Kilgore, L.M.S.W., A.C.P. Notice that she said right, not responsibility. Expectations
must be put on the table as early as possible to avoid the destruction that comes with false assumptions and hurt feelings. One of my friends said that she and her sister from the
beginning asked the Lord to protect them from being torn apart in caring for their aged and infirm parents. They agreed to discuss and not assume. What wisdom! Family counsels and meetings
are an essential aspect of successful caregiving. Open communication enables goals to be met in an effective and efficient way. Each family member has a different viewpoint and skill set to
bring to the discussion. Relational fault lines and stress fractures are illuminated, even exaggerated, during this process.
Third party professional facilitation can enhance the impact of family meetings. It is key to make this one of the highest and best chapters in the family history and legacy. The next generation is watching us as we go through this and making decisions about our care!
Caregiving doesn't come with an instruction manual
Remember when your first child was born and that sense of terror overwhelmed you because you were now a parent and essentially knew nothing about the sustaining of new life? Caregiving comes
with its own beads of sweat. What will Medicare pay? How do we decide the wise use of their financial resources? Where in the world do I find colostomy bags? Which hospital bed and
mattress are most suited to their needs? How do I find physical therapists, occupational therapists, exercise and speech classes? What do I do about incontinence? Help! Where is the
guidebook? Successful caregiving includes a network of professionals and knowledge of community services. Support groups, geriatric counselors, elder care consultants, home safety specialists
provide a map for navigating these uncharted waters. This is a clear area of ministry for those who have walked the path by coming along side of those entering the trail.
Caregiving is not for the fainthearted
A survey by the National Family Caregivers' Association reports that 50% of the caregivers have suffered depression.
Guilt, depression and physical exhaustion are common outcomes of extended periods of care. Two guidelines will promote healthy caregiving:
a) Clear boundaries prevent absorption into the needs of the family member. A healthy caregiver distinguishes between provision of care and the 24/7 attitude that leads to martyrdom.
Frankel wrote of the nature of emotional management when he pointed out that circumstances may not be controlled, but attitudes can and should be. The maintenance of a separate life is critical;
b) Perfection is not only an impossibility, but a totally inappropriate goal. Failure is certain and a proper response will result in personal growth. Honesty and authenticity will
open the door for the experiences that strengthen and encourage.
Caregivers often express disappointment in their "performance." These are the times that so powerfully demonstrate grace and mercy in and through the caregiver. It is important to
remember that the family member is usually trying hard to be "a good patient" and feels the pain of failure, as well.
Anna Marie bowed her head and confessed once
again that her labors were from the flesh, not the power of the spirit.
"Please, Father, give me the eyes to see them as you see them and the heart to serve them through you. Help my labor to be for you and in you with a heart of joy and thanksgiving. Honor them - love them - and in all things give thanks." Yes, Mom - I am coming…. Be right there!
Copyright 2002 Brenda A. Smith Praise House
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